singwithyourheart

I don't know why I feel the need to post this here, but I just screwed up today.  I somehow got into the position of being a guest performer at this small competition and if you don't know me, then you won't know how much I hate performing.  But weirdly enough, I didn't panic or freak out like I usually do, instead, I just thought that if I keep singing and not thinking so much about it, then I will be okay.  WRONG.  I completely oversang and tired out my voice before my turn (I was last).  My first song was okay, but the second one was vocally challenging for me and my voice was gone halfway through the song.  I guess I just need more practice performing and maybe I shouldn't have chosen a song that was so hard for me to sing, but I just thought I would be able to do it.

So yeah, I've been frustrated about that all day.  It pisses me off that I still don't do well performing.  Not to mention that I always find a way to put more stress on me and the people around me.  Today, I forgot to bring my pick and capo.  How even.  So my best friend's boyfriend had to drive me back because she was performing before me and even though we got back in time, I felt so horrible.  I dunno, maybe it's just a matter of getting more experience.  My sister and everyone else told me that it wasn't bad, but I can't help feeling like it was terrible.  My best friend told me that she thinks all the organizers and audience were blown away by my performance and her boyfriend said that my voice is so suited to sing pop songs.  I have a problem with always letting the negative gain precedence.  Sometimes, it's not a bad thing.  To me, it's just being more realistic to expect the worst to happen so that when it actually happens, you won't feel so bad 'cause it wasn't as bad as you expected it to be.  But it's a problem when after it happens, you're still dwelling on the bad.  It's a problem that I've had all my life and I have no idea how to fix it.  Any comments would be greatly appreciated.  I just know that I really need to fix it because I'm studying music, which means that I'll have so many more performance opportunities and if I keep dwelling on the negative, I'm afraid that I might actually crack one day.  I really don't want to finally lose it and do something to harm me or my family and friends.  I don't think it'll go that far 'cause I'm generally good at controlling my actions, but it could just as easily happen.

I think I've gotten to the point in my student life where I can't even do homework at a normal time anymore.  I will take out my homework, completely intent on doing at least a little bit of it, but I can't.  I can't do any of it until it is an ungodly time of night when everyone is asleep and there's the odd car passing by outside my window.  I think that was the most artsy sentence I have ever written.  Probably would've come in handy in English class last year, but I don't have English class anymore, so...  But at least I like this course.  I had a rather awkward moment last week.  I realized that I was enjoying this geography/science-y course more than my music courses.  Now, for a music major, that's a bit of a bummer because I still have another three years of music, then a year of education courses.  Yeah, it kinda sucks.  I find myself not really caring so much about the meaning in music, and other types of art.  I don't feel the need to analyze what I'm singing or playing to find a deeper meaning because when I sing, I just sing whatever I feel like it means and that's good enough for me.  But that's not really good enough for the rest of the world.  Even in photography, if someone tells me what their meaning is behind a picture, I will see it and I'll think that's really good, but if you told me to find my own meaning, I couldn't care less.  Sometimes, a meaning will come automatically to me, but most of the time, it doesn't.  And this paragraph has a million different ideas in it, so I'm going to start a new one.

Enough of that depressing talk.  I could go on and on about all of my problems if I don't stop now.  I have my Tumblr that no one knows about for that.  I don't remember what else I wanted to say now...  OH, YEAH.  I'm turning 19 in exactly a month.  I know I won't feel different physically, but I'm not exactly looking forward to being another year older.  I'm getting dangerously close to not being a teenager anymore, even though I'm legally an adult.  Oh, and I won't be under my dad's insurance from work anymore once I'm 19.  But because Canadian healthcare is awesome, I can still see the doctor for free, I just have to pay for my own prescription drugs (ie. my parents will pay for my medicine because I have no money, LOL.)  It will also be legal for me to drink and smoke, LOLOLOLOL.  Yeah, right.  If you knew me at all, you'd know that I would NEVER do either of those things.  I hate the smell of smoke.  I get enough of it going downtown every day for school that I'll likely die from secondhand smoke, yay me.  And I hate the smell and taste of alcohol.  It's just not appealing, at all.  So yay!  My parents don't have to worry about me getting high or drunk.  On another note, I think I might start donating blood.  I actually kinda forgot that I could start donating blood when I turned 17 because I was 16 when the Canadian Blood Services people came to my biology class.  Even though I'm type AB, so no one wants my blood anyway, hahahahaha.  More like most people CAN'T take my blood.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, do some biology homework.  But yeah, I guess that's all I wanted to say.  For now.  I'm pretty sure no one's even reading this, LOL.  Okay, bye. <3